Indecisiveness

I’ve made up my mind.

After talking to our department and to other colleagues, I feel much better and relieved now that I know that there are open options. And because technically I only attended the first week of class, it might even be possible that I can get a full refund back on my tuition – which saves me a little over $8,000.00. (Education is expensive, yes, particularly if you are planning to go to grad school.)

I *will* miss school – in fact, I miss it already.

But as my professors and colleagues encouraged, don’t stop! Keep doing what I’m doing. I can still continue my readings, and continue writing articles for conferences and for publication.

After all -

Philosophy is life.

It can be done anywhere.

Heck, I may even be able to get to those readings that I’ve always wanted to spend more time on. This semester I would have to do a complete withdrawal for leave of absence. Hopefully, next semester I will be able to work something out with my professors. Perhaps I might be able to take two independent reading courses (which I had planned to do before this situation arose anyways) and maybe take a class at UW, that is, if they offer something good. According to Dr. Swindal (the Chair of our department), the philosophy program at UW is as analytic as heck. (Philosophy terminology: Many scholars have identified two sort of different strands in philosophy, the analytic tradition and continental tradition. Analytic philosophy continues from the British empiricists centered around claims of definite truth and logical reasoning. Continental philosophy takes a more intersubjective strand; this includes many of the German and French philosophers such as Edmund Husserl, Friedrich Nietzsche, Maurice Merleau-Ponty, Jean-Luc Nancy, and of course – my favorite – Jacques Derrida. Whether or not there is a truly a difference between these two traditions is up for debate.) Usually, the analytics are scorned by the continentals, though now there seems to be an intent on reconciling the differences, or at least come to a common ground for dialogue. Anyhow, my point here seems to be that my choice might not be so grim.

What freaks me out is really meeting the future mother-in-law. I’ve talked to Mr. Worm, and he says that it shouldn’t be so bad. After all, she was the one who wanted me to return.

That still does not take away my anxiety.

I am leaving back to Seattle this Friday, and at the moment, I am not feeling too distressed; I’ve had about two weeks to sort of “get into the zone” and letting reality settle in. “It’s really happening!” I keep telling myself.

Last night, when I told my roommates, I think Naoko was the one who took it the hardest. I didn’t even know until I sat down moments later and talked to her one-to-one. She started crying, saying that she could not understand why I would make such a decision, but could not say anything more because it is my life, my choice, and because she does not exactly know the whole story… and of course, she will miss me, and more importantly, she worries about my future and whether I will have a good life.

In response, I gave her a long, philosophical speil about my decision, about love, about friendship, about life. And now I reproduce it here.

Humans can never predict the future; even knowing this, they still attempt to predict, and strive strenuously to prepare for whatever ills may come there way: advancements in technology and medicine to ward off biological diseases and natural disasters is a good instance. Unfortunately, shit life happens.

Life happens. Life is happening, and life will always be happening.

There are many things about life that we cannot change, many circumstances that we cannot control. And when shit life happens, and we are thrown in the most disagreeable, most paradoxical situation that seems to defy all possible solution and drains our contentment, making us believe as if there is nothing to be done, estranged in the odds of life – one wonders if life is indeed already paved for us. I am no deterministic. While there are many things we cannot control (we cannot control how the other person will act, we cannot control the weather, we cannot control what will happen tomorrow), and many other things that are extremely difficult to control, what I strongly believe is that with just a switch of our perspectives, the situation, however painstakingly difficult, suddenly becomes much more bearable.

Humans are solitary beings. Solitary beings that yearn for company of others. We are born alone, and one day we shall die alone as well. It’s a brute fact of life; nothing can change this. The people around us will never always be there. There will come a time in the future where one friend must see the other friend die; before I become a friend, there is already the condition that we will go our separate ways, I cannot always be there for you. One of us will carry the burden of the other after this separation.

This has not been an easy decision. But it is because of this indecisiveness that I must make a decision. I cannot bear (I don’t think anyone can) being internally torn, contradictory, split. I must side. As Jacques Derrida put it, you cannot feed all the stray cats that come running to your front porch. You will one day run out of resources, and many of the stray cats will die, no matter how good your intentions are. You must make a decision.

I must make a decision.

But this indecisiveness is precisely the beginning of responsibility. It is because one is responsible to the other that one is torn between decisions. Humans are selfish, yes, but they are also considerate, sensitive beings.

Of course I will miss Naoko, and Ching-Chia, and Nancy, and all my beloved professors and colleagues…. I’ve grown accustomed and fond of this place.

But like what Dr. Swindal said, You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Everything else can be reappropriated in the future… if I have the ambition and determination.

I do.

So trust in me.