離開了家
但其實並沒有離開
心很進，距離也很進
但卻不能見面
覺得
自己很不孝
聽到爸爸窩心的留言
聽到媽媽的聲音
心裡總是有一種說不出的結
懷念雙親
距離很進
但不能投入親人的懷抱
我只有一個家
是當我人生覺的最失落的時候，跌到谷底的時候能回去的家
是當全世界再也沒有地方讓我留下來，我能休息的地方
世上沒有誰比家人還重要
也沒有誰比家人還疼我
After finished reading ‘”What Remains? The Language Remains”: A Conversation with Günter Gaus’, I have had much self reflections going on in my mind. I have always been fascinated by Hannah Arendt; she was such a brilliant thinker, and what I love most is how beautifully and simply she explains such complex theories in a way bereft of flowery, extra diction. Simple, yet profound.
One of the qualities of her writing that I found particularly striking when I first read Arendt is her use of masculine pronouns. For some feminists (I venture to say “many”, but won’t be able to qualify with empirical proof, so I chose “some” instead), using “him” or “he” or “men” in place of “humans” is sexist and degrading to women. While I acknowledge and understand perfectly well the problems with using sexist language, personally, I think that one ought not to get too caught up or too offended; after all, words carry meaning because humans collectively impose certain concepts and thereby carry certain connotations. In some languages, like Chinese and Latin, there is no sex distinction between “him” or “her” or “human”. So I find this fascinating because Arendt reminds me of another female thinker, Rosa Luxemberg (socialist thinker and revolutionary). The link: while both being female in a male-dominated society, not only do they use the same so-called sexist language using “men” while referring to both men and women, humans in general, not only were they not bothered by the distinctions imposed and categorised by both men and women, in their intellectual spheres their voices are ostensibly rather “masculine” (i.e. powerful, influential). And yet, on a private level, they can also be considered quite “feminine” (i.e. nurturing, loving caring). While concerned with affairs dominated largely by men, they did not renounce the traditional, old values of women, e.g. being a wife, mother, daughter, ad infinitum. In other words, depending where they are and what is needed of them, they simply assume their roles and responsibilities without complaint and resistance. Now, whether or not these roles and responsibilities is “forced” upon them by society is another matter, one which I do not wish to take up now because I believe that the matter is not that simple, and neither is it something I find – personally – particularly relevant.
Quoting from Arendt’s response to Gaus about the question of women’s emancipation: “there is always the problem as such. I have actually been rather old-fashioned. I always thought that there are certain occupations that are improper for women, that do not become them, if I may put it that way. It just doesn’t look good when a woman gives orders. She should try not to get into such a situation if she wants to remain feminine. Whether I am right about this or not I do not know. I myself have always lived in accordance with this more ore less unconsciously–or let us rather say, more or less consciously. The problem itself played no role for me personally. To put it very simply, I have always done what I liked to do.” I don’t think she was ever really concerned with the problem at all. And when Gaus inquired the purpose of Arendt’s writing was to invoke influence, she replied that that question itself was framed in very masculine terms, i.e. the need to be influential, powerful.
I sympathise. I really do.
I think in them, I’ve found the reason why I’m not particularly moved by feminist theory and their claims. By all due respect, it is not that I find feminist theory to be ridiculous or irrelevant. On the contrary, I think they are valid claims and need to be taken seriously. On a personal level, however, I find it interesting, but believe there are other things that strike me just as (if not more) interesting.
I mean, I am a woman, and I am also Asian (double plus the minority level). If I am working, I do my duties required of me to the best of my ability. I take orders and if needed I give orders. If I have to, I can discuss feminism, and I can also take their side. But at home, I likewise resume my duties, call it housewife or not, which include but is not limited to, cleaning, cooking, be a loving mother and wife. I rarely take my philophising into our home. One of the reasons, of course, is because Mr. Worm (for those of you who know him) isn’t exactly the perfect interlocutor for a philosopher. To simplify my reasons, it might just be because I like to keep private and public matters separate. That is not to say I don’t philosophize at home; I do.
Perhaps part of the reason as to why I’m a bit indifferent (though indifferent might be too strong a word) to sexism or racism is because I’ve never really experienced such phenomenon. I am not oblivious to it, because when it happens around me, I am aware of it. But as of today, I haven’t been personally affected. I hope I am not offending any adamant feminist out there, and if I have, please don’t take it too personally, as I have nothing against feminists or feminism per se.
I think there is also a deeper aspect as to why women like Arendt refrain from using any sort of antifeminist or feminist diction. Whether you use it or blatantly attack those who use it, it seems you are still caught within that dialectic. One could also argue that refusing to use that kind of language is also a kind of feminism. But I would venture that while this is true, on the other hand, it can also simply mean one does not wish to partake in distinguishing a woman for her sexuality. Either way still means that you are caught in that opposition. What does it really mean to address woman as woman? Why not woman as simply human, just as man is simply human? Arendt would have never wanted people to recognize her as, say, the Jew who had an affair with Heidegger–neither as a woman, as a Jew, or as a philosopher. Rather, I think, simply as Hannah Arendt. That is, Arendt as one distinguished by her thinkings and what she deemed as important; Arendt in her own right, not as Arendt attached to something/one else.
“I have never in my life “loved” any people or collective group, neither the German people, the French, the Americans, not he working class or anything of that sort. I indeed love only my friends, and the only kind of love I know of and believe in is the love of [particular] persons. Moreover, this “love of the Jews” would appear to me, since I am myself Jewish, as something rather suspect.” This was in her response to Gershom Scholem, who accused her as an intellectual from the German Left and as a Jewish unaware of the “Jewish problem”. For those of you interested, I recommend reading first some biographical background on Arendt, and her controversial report Eichmann in Jerusalem. So as I was saying, I believe there is something quite profound in this statement of hers. The more I think about it, the more I think that she is right in pointing out the practical impossibility of a true love for a group/collective of people… at least for me. Who knows? Many there are some out there who, like Jesus, love people. I just find that kind of love too abstract. Admittedly, I am not a person of such profound integrity. If anyone knows of such a person, consider yourself one-in-a-million lucky.
…What?… Yeah, well, I’m kinda busy readin’ mah philo-zo-fee…
I mean, this is pretteh deep stuff……
Well… if ya dun mind, I’d like to go back to mah deep thinkin’…
In memory of Dr. Albert C. Labriola
Acting Dean of the McAnulty College & Graduate School of Liberal Arts
at Duquesne University
Charismatic, Brilliant, and Genuinely Caring
WHY IS IT THAT I CAN’T EVER FIND AMPLE TIME TO DO THINGS?!
SO MANY THINGS ARE DEMANDED OF ME, EXCESSIVELY DEMANDED OF ME, IRRATIONALLY DEMANDED OF ME, AND I CAN’T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO FULFILL THESE DEMANDS! WHERE DO MY RESPONSIBILITIES COME FROM, ANY WAYS? EXTERNALLY? INTRINSICALLY? ARE THEY IMPOSED BY OTHERS, OR DID I BLINDLY SET UP A TRAP FOR MYSELF, NARCISSISTICALLY THINKING WAY TOO HIGHLY OF MY PERSONAL QUALITIES, NAIVELY BELIEVING THAT I CAN MANAGE BEING STUDENT, STEP-MOM, DAUGHTER, PSEUDO-WIFE?
AND WHAT TO DO WHEN THE OTHER DOESN’T SEEM TO BE DOING ANYTHING TO LIGHTEN UP MY DAILY TASKS? AND WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER ADVENTURE-RIDE I SEEM TO BE GOING THROUGH NOW!
I JUST FEEL SO IRASCIBLE, SO IRRATIONALLY IRASCIBLE, AND EVERY TINY LITTLE MINISCULE THING AROUND ME IS SO ANNOYINGLY IN MY WAY MAKING ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. FROM THE AWKWARD FLIP OF MY PONYTAIL, TO THE STRANGE TIGHTNESS OF JEANS; FROM A STRAND OF FALLEN HAIR IN THE KITCHEN SINK (WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY MY OWN) TO A MISPLACED SOCCER BALL AND BACKPACK RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY. EVERY THING IS JUST A REMINDER OF HOW CHAOTIC, HOW UNNEAT, HOW MESSY, UNORGANISED, UNCATEGORISED, UNTAMED AND UNCUT THIS CRAZY WORLD REALLY IS. FORCED TO SCREAM IN MY HEAD, CAN’T ANYONE GIVE ME MORE TIME? WHILE KNOWING DEEP IN MY HEART THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
GRRR!
This morning Mr. Worm had a meeting with the learning committee (including teacher, principal, counselor, school nurse, child developer, and child psychologist) at the kids’ school, in lieu of concerns for Angela’s progress/regress in reading and conversational English. Her teacher, Ms. L, was highly concerned about whether Angela would be able to catch up quickly enough pass the end of the year tests and move on the the first grade, particularly because she had already missed 25% of the school year thus far.* Instead of progressing with her other classmates, she is in fact regressing. Ms. L also brought up the concerns with the family situation, forcing Mr. Worm to share with the committee the separation/divorce situation with HTL (I must admit that I silently snickered when I saw him fumbling for words, only because I’ve always had a problem with Mr. Worm not being able to come to concrete terms with anyone around him – not even with the kids – with due honesty and realisticality about the situation. So forcing him to say it out loud to strangers was for me a kind of justice done.), saying that Angela is very solemn and sad that mommy isn’t here anymore, thus adding a psychological and mental element to her regress. And particularly because Angela is a very shy and quiet girl (at least, outside of home) and doesn’t speak much, it becomes all the more difficult for Ms. L to assess her English conversational abilities. Ms. L then shared with us that she is thinking about retention, which is not a bad idea, especially since Angela is a July baby, so she can go either way.** But Joanne, the principal (a lovely and pleasant lady) was a bit hesitant, noting that Angela is in fact a very bright girl, about retention until later in the year. So in the end, they decided to convene again before the end of the school year and see how she does before making any decisions.
Personally, while I think all of Ms. L’s concerns and comments are valid, I do believe that she dramatises the situation a bit. I don’t think that Angela is solemn at all, though I know for a fact that of course she misses her mother. At that age, who wouldn’t? But I think that by now, both she and her brother are adjusting well.*** As far as regression in academics, I would have to say that I agree. She even has problems writing out the full alphabet by herself in lower and upper case, something that she should be familiar with, especially now that they are working with spelling and frequently used words like “the”, “them”, “all”, et cetera. Conversationally though, I think the point that she is at right now is normal, in terms of faulty grammar. I myself was an English as a Second Language student, and had to take extra classes in kindergarten and first grade to build my English skills. I think that with a little extra practice at home, and given that Mr. Worm doesn’t decide to pull off another one of his long-ass vacations again (which don’t do a whole lot of production anyway), Angela should be good to go on to the first grade next year.
The awkwardness: At the start of the meeting, we did all the introductions, Mr. Worm as dad, and me as “Aunt.” In the middle of the conversation, the psychologist asked me, And what role do you play in all this? I was dumbfounded at first, but Joanne came and saved the day and said, You just play mom for a while, while the situation is like this, right? I nodded. I must say I hate these situations. AWKWARD! And it always puts me in a glum mood for the rest of the day. 
NOTES
*This was because Mr. Worm had to return to Taiwan two times since September this school year for a total of about a month and a half, for “business”, and took the kids with him. I have to say that when he booked the tickets, I was against keeping the return flights as “open”, not only because that would not guarantee that the kids would come back in time for school, but also because I knew that since they would be in a different country, they would not be able to practice their English. Even when I packed up Angela’s homework in her luggage, I found out, much to my dismay, that nobody – not even her mother – thought of taking out the practice sheets for her while she was in Taiwan. And because kindergarten is a critical stage in building a strong foundation, lacking everyday practice for such a long period of time really does no good to her English skills.
** In fact, Alex, who is an August baby, was also retained for a year, so now he is practically at the top of his class. His reading skills, I must say, are exceptional.
***One very annoying thing is that up until now, both Mr. Worm and HTL have failed to talk to their kids about the separation. It is annoying because of two points: One, because I am in an awkward decision, and most of all two, because the kids will come and ask me why mommy won’t be coming back. And every time I bring this up to Mr. Worm and try to persuade him to talk to the kids, he will say, “Okay” without actually doing it, saying afterwards that he tried, but they just run off to do other things. To which I roll my eyes and say, you don’t just let them run off, you have to sit them down and talk to them about it. It might not be finalised, but I definitely think that they should know the basics. Alex is definitely old enough to know. In fact, he probably figured out most of it already! Nevertheless, it is still important that the parents take time to explain these things to them.
