In memory of Dr. Albert C. Labriola
Acting Dean of the McAnulty College & Graduate School of Liberal Arts
at Duquesne University
Charismatic, Brilliant, and Genuinely Caring
hormonal rants
WHY IS IT THAT I CAN’T EVER FIND AMPLE TIME TO DO THINGS?!
SO MANY THINGS ARE DEMANDED OF ME, EXCESSIVELY DEMANDED OF ME, IRRATIONALLY DEMANDED OF ME, AND I CAN’T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO FULFILL THESE DEMANDS! WHERE DO MY RESPONSIBILITIES COME FROM, ANY WAYS? EXTERNALLY? INTRINSICALLY? ARE THEY IMPOSED BY OTHERS, OR DID I BLINDLY SET UP A TRAP FOR MYSELF, NARCISSISTICALLY THINKING WAY TOO HIGHLY OF MY PERSONAL QUALITIES, NAIVELY BELIEVING THAT I CAN MANAGE BEING STUDENT, STEP-MOM, DAUGHTER, PSEUDO-WIFE?
AND WHAT TO DO WHEN THE OTHER DOESN’T SEEM TO BE DOING ANYTHING TO LIGHTEN UP MY DAILY TASKS? AND WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER ADVENTURE-RIDE I SEEM TO BE GOING THROUGH NOW!
I JUST FEEL SO IRASCIBLE, SO IRRATIONALLY IRASCIBLE, AND EVERY TINY LITTLE MINISCULE THING AROUND ME IS SO ANNOYINGLY IN MY WAY MAKING ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. FROM THE AWKWARD FLIP OF MY PONYTAIL, TO THE STRANGE TIGHTNESS OF JEANS; FROM A STRAND OF FALLEN HAIR IN THE KITCHEN SINK (WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY MY OWN) TO A MISPLACED SOCCER BALL AND BACKPACK RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY. EVERY THING IS JUST A REMINDER OF HOW CHAOTIC, HOW UNNEAT, HOW MESSY, UNORGANISED, UNCATEGORISED, UNTAMED AND UNCUT THIS CRAZY WORLD REALLY IS. FORCED TO SCREAM IN MY HEAD, CAN’T ANYONE GIVE ME MORE TIME? WHILE KNOWING DEEP IN MY HEART THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
GRRR!
Angela’s learning committee
This morning Mr. Worm had a meeting with the learning committee (including teacher, principal, counselor, school nurse, child developer, and child psychologist) at the kids’ school, in lieu of concerns for Angela’s progress/regress in reading and conversational English. Her teacher, Ms. L, was highly concerned about whether Angela would be able to catch up quickly enough pass the end of the year tests and move on the the first grade, particularly because she had already missed 25% of the school year thus far.* Instead of progressing with her other classmates, she is in fact regressing. Ms. L also brought up the concerns with the family situation, forcing Mr. Worm to share with the committee the separation/divorce situation with HTL (I must admit that I silently snickered when I saw him fumbling for words, only because I’ve always had a problem with Mr. Worm not being able to come to concrete terms with anyone around him – not even with the kids – with due honesty and realisticality about the situation. So forcing him to say it out loud to strangers was for me a kind of justice done.), saying that Angela is very solemn and sad that mommy isn’t here anymore, thus adding a psychological and mental element to her regress. And particularly because Angela is a very shy and quiet girl (at least, outside of home) and doesn’t speak much, it becomes all the more difficult for Ms. L to assess her English conversational abilities. Ms. L then shared with us that she is thinking about retention, which is not a bad idea, especially since Angela is a July baby, so she can go either way.** But Joanne, the principal (a lovely and pleasant lady) was a bit hesitant, noting that Angela is in fact a very bright girl, about retention until later in the year. So in the end, they decided to convene again before the end of the school year and see how she does before making any decisions.
Personally, while I think all of Ms. L’s concerns and comments are valid, I do believe that she dramatises the situation a bit. I don’t think that Angela is solemn at all, though I know for a fact that of course she misses her mother. At that age, who wouldn’t? But I think that by now, both she and her brother are adjusting well.*** As far as regression in academics, I would have to say that I agree. She even has problems writing out the full alphabet by herself in lower and upper case, something that she should be familiar with, especially now that they are working with spelling and frequently used words like “the”, “them”, “all”, et cetera. Conversationally though, I think the point that she is at right now is normal, in terms of faulty grammar. I myself was an English as a Second Language student, and had to take extra classes in kindergarten and first grade to build my English skills. I think that with a little extra practice at home, and given that Mr. Worm doesn’t decide to pull off another one of his long-ass vacations again (which don’t do a whole lot of production anyway), Angela should be good to go on to the first grade next year.
The awkwardness: At the start of the meeting, we did all the introductions, Mr. Worm as dad, and me as “Aunt.” In the middle of the conversation, the psychologist asked me, And what role do you play in all this? I was dumbfounded at first, but Joanne came and saved the day and said, You just play mom for a while, while the situation is like this, right? I nodded. I must say I hate these situations. AWKWARD! And it always puts me in a glum mood for the rest of the day. 
NOTES
*This was because Mr. Worm had to return to Taiwan two times since September this school year for a total of about a month and a half, for “business”, and took the kids with him. I have to say that when he booked the tickets, I was against keeping the return flights as “open”, not only because that would not guarantee that the kids would come back in time for school, but also because I knew that since they would be in a different country, they would not be able to practice their English. Even when I packed up Angela’s homework in her luggage, I found out, much to my dismay, that nobody – not even her mother – thought of taking out the practice sheets for her while she was in Taiwan. And because kindergarten is a critical stage in building a strong foundation, lacking everyday practice for such a long period of time really does no good to her English skills.
** In fact, Alex, who is an August baby, was also retained for a year, so now he is practically at the top of his class. His reading skills, I must say, are exceptional.
***One very annoying thing is that up until now, both Mr. Worm and HTL have failed to talk to their kids about the separation. It is annoying because of two points: One, because I am in an awkward decision, and most of all two, because the kids will come and ask me why mommy won’t be coming back. And every time I bring this up to Mr. Worm and try to persuade him to talk to the kids, he will say, “Okay” without actually doing it, saying afterwards that he tried, but they just run off to do other things. To which I roll my eyes and say, you don’t just let them run off, you have to sit them down and talk to them about it. It might not be finalised, but I definitely think that they should know the basics. Alex is definitely old enough to know. In fact, he probably figured out most of it already! Nevertheless, it is still important that the parents take time to explain these things to them.
In fond memory of Dr. William Wurzer
who passed away on the evening of the 20th of February, 2009.
A brilliant philosopher, insightful mentor,
and beautiful orator with a magic that puts his audience in a trance.
His presence will be greatly missed.
The weekday schedule of an (anti)housewife
7:30 wake up, wash face, brush teeth, put on make-up.
8:00 first wake up call for kids, prepare lunches.
8:15 second wake up call for kids, prepare breakfast.
9:00 drive kids to school.
9:15 either go home for breakfast and then go to coffee shop to study, or head directly to a coffee shop.
11:30 if mr. worm has not called, then it means he is not yet awake. call home to wake him up. continue to study.
12:30 home for lunch with mr. worm; or if work load is heavy, remain at coffee shop to study. (side note: it is practically impossible to do readings at home when the kids are back from school. i’ve tried hiding in my study, but the kids always run in and want to sit on my lap or want to play with me. so my best time to do my readings and writings are in the daytime when they are at school. i’ve considered to try to study at night, but things get too busy, and by the time i put them to bed and they fall asleep, it’s already 23:00.)
13:30 watch tv with mr. worm, or house chores.
15:00 try to do some home readings.
15:30 prepare snacks for kids, hang out with them.
17:00 make dinner.
18:00 eat dinner.
19:00 watch a little tv, or go online.
19:30 house chores.
20:00 shower/clean kids.
20:30 prepare late night snack for kids, then shower.
21:30 take kids to bed. (side note: depending on how tired i am, i either a. sleep until the next morning with the kids, or b. wake up after they fall asleep and spend time with mr. worm. (un)fortunately, the kids insist that i sleep with them, otherwise, if mr. worm were to put them to sleep, this would be a great time to do some more readings.)
omfg
conversation earlier this evening.
mrsworm: what should we have for dinner tonight? should we make saba [i.e. broiled mackerel]?
mr worm: yeah. just fry the saba and a side of veggies.
mrs worm: i thought saba was supposed to be broiled in the oven.
mr worm: no, it’s supposed to be fried.
mrs worm: uh, no, usually you broil it in the oven.
mr worm: no, you broil it on the pan. you fry it with oil.
mrs worm: that’s not called broiled mackerel. that would then be called fried mackerel.
mr worm: no it’s not. so-called “broil mackerel” is actually fried on the pan.
mrs worm: [eye-roll] whatever.
mr worm: just take the fish out and i will do it. because apparently you don’t know how to do it.
mrs worm: what?! [heat rising from head] you know what? from today on, i am not going to cook again. you can do all the cooking.
mr worm: you know what? you are in deep trouble.
mrs worm: [glaring in disbelief] YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
does anyone else see a problem here??? just because i do it differently doesn’t mean i don’t know how to do it. this seems to be a common motif. anything done his way is correct, while my way is wrong. i mean, wtf?!?! apparently he doesn’t appreciate at all my diet adjustments. and he still continues to give me smart-ass shit about it!
grrr!!!!!!!!!
Attachments
My mother has warned me that being a stepmother isn’t easy.
I’ve always thought that I knew what I was getting myself into.
What a bold and naive thought!
Since last night, Angela and Alex have been yearning for their mother. Tonight, I can see that it is progressing further. Usually, I’m the one that sleeps with them–I suspect the reason being that the kids are used to falling asleep next to their mother. Their only other choice than me being their dad, I think they’ve decided that I most closely resemble the mother figure. For the past two months or so, they seem to be doing fine with me as the “replacement”. I am quite hesitant of using that term. My step-mom philosophy is that I am not so much a mom replacement but more of a senior friend.
But as Mr. Worm says, technically, I am the replacement, whether I like to put it that way or not. I’m not sure how much I like that idea, neither am I sure how well my psyche is handling the lived truth of the matter.
Who am I kidding? I feel torn! On the one hand, I enjoy being the mother figure of the household: I enjoy dressing, feeding, showering the kids and putting them to sleep. I enjoy cleaning up the house and making sure everything is sanitised and safe for them to play in. And I feel rewarded when they run up to me at various times throughout the day giving me a big hug, asking for attention, and, ostensibly, seem to be attached to me. It really is as if I am the mom replacement, or better, I am their mom and they are my kids! And yet at the same time, I constantly remind myself that no matter how much they like me, no matter how much I like them and no matter how hard I try, the truth remains that I am not their mother and they are not my children.
And what better way to remind me of this unchangeable fact than the times when the children call out for their mother throughout the night, whining that they want mommy and they miss mommy. I have no hard feelings. I, myself, am also extremely attached to my mother, very possibly so much more than Alex and Angela are attached to theirs. I slept with my mom for the first thirteen years into my life. Naturally then, I can empathise when they miss theirs. I know that if it was me, there would be no way that anyone could take me away from my mother. It would be physically impossible! I simply wouldn’t allow it.
So tonight, I called for Mr. Worm to sleep with them. I figure that at times like these, dad is the best choice at making everything better.
Can I even begin to explain how horrible I feel inside?
Is it guilt? Remorseful because somehow I am (in)directly responsible for taking their mother away from them? Or sadness? Maybe even jealousy? Jealous because I can’t have my own children, and knowing that no matter how hard I try I cannot change the fact that they are not my children and never will be? Jealous because I have always wanted my own, could have had my own, but unfortunately chose to blow the opportunity away?
Then I ask myself: At this point in the game, what do I do? What’s my next move? Should I give up and call it game over? How can I bear to watch the kids call out for their mother? While they still talk to her on the phone and go visit her quite often in Taiwan (so far it’s been a few weeks every 2 months), of course they still miss her. I know how I would feel if I was their age in the same situation.
I suppose I ought to try to comfort myself by saying that they are still in transition. True, they have grown accustomed to me. But after all, they have only been with me for no more than three months, while they have known their mother for years. So they still need time to get used to the situation.
I don’t know what to do.
I know I am also in transition. For the most part, I’m dealing with it rather well. But when it comes to the kids it’s my weak spot.
I feel almost stunned.
小孩真可愛！
有趣事故之一：
Mr. Worm and the kiddies went back to Taiwan just this past Wednesday, and I went back to stay at my parents’ house. Since then, it had begun to snow heavily, last night with a snow storm, and tonight with warnings that there will be more to fall at least until tomorrow morning – so an additional 3-8″ in the Puget Sound.
I was also extremely sick, and had been sleeping for three days and three nights, pretty much since Mr. Worm had left. I’m not sure what it was that I caught, and it’s odd, because it was only 3 weeks ago when I had a sore throat and suspected fever. The sore throat lasted about 2-3 weeks, and I thought I was cured, until Thursday night I pretty much fell down on my bed delirious and finally knocked out after taking NyQuil (damn, that is some powerful stuff – never fails to knock you unconscious when needed). Today, Sunday, I am finally recovering. Still a bit weak, but at least I can somewhat breathe through my nostrils without mucus dripping out.
This winter sickness has to happen every year.
Luckily, this year round, I haven’t got a chronic cough (like I did the previous years), and hopefully won’t be getting one.
So with 7″ of snow already fallen, and probably 7″ more to fall by tonight, I am stuck at home atop of a hill with nowhere to go and nothing to do. My only recourse to connect to the world: the fantastic cyberspace of the internet. I don’t know, some people are able to surf the net and just stay online with their eyes glued to the computer screen for the whole entire day. I am not one of those people, and simply can’t even begin to comprehend what there is to surf for twelve hours on end.
When I turn on my computer, I check my 3 email accounts (usually there’s not a whole lot to read anyways), check the weather for the day (if I remember), check my 3 blog accounts (yes, “3″ seems to be the magic number for me), see if there’s anything amusing on Facebook, and if I’m really bored, read other people’s blogs and leave comments.
Lately, I’ve done all that plus attempt to do that thing called web-surfing. But so far I’ve only been surfing on familiar pages that I usually visit anyways.
Nothing new.
And because I am seriously bored and have nothing to do, I’ve gone ahead and posted 2+ new entries on all 3 of my blogs, minus my Japanese Mixi network. Japanese just takes too much energy out of me, and I always feel embarassed when posting things because I know my grammar has become rather poor, and my sentence structures not surpassing preschool level.
Oh, two days ago an ex contacted me over MSN messenger and we talked for a bit about the weather and what not, and he asked if I wanted to go out for coffee sometime. After finding out that I had a fetish for 臭豆腐, a Taiwanese appetizer literally called “stinky tofu”, offered to bring me to some place on Eastlake where they serve them.
A very enticing offer, but I would rather him tell me the exact location of the restaurant and go with Mr. Worm when he comes back.
I also got in touch with another guy I had dated, and we talked on Skype and caught up with each other’s lives. Not too many changes with him, other than finding a job. Not yet married. I suspect he was quite surprised to find out my own changes in life.
It’s nice to talk to ex-boyfriends that you’ve lost touch with but still think about every now and then, and finding out that you’re living a much better and fuller life without them. And then going on and telling your current significant other that you still keep in contact.
Evil.
Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.
Way bored out of my wits.
Staying indoors for four days straight has really burned some brain cells.
I sure hope this snow storm will end soon, and hope the transportation authority will start clearing up the roads soon. I need to go back home to Mr. Worm’s and check on the house to make sure everything is okay, pick up mail, and make sure no theives had broken in. (He’s been nagging me everytime he calls in from Kaohsiung about going back home.)
A snapshot of Angela and I atop of Pacific Place.
