“The Economy of Friendship” – how I experience it.

What it all comes down to is really money.

No words can describe the disappointment and sadness that overcame me when I found out that the friend whom I first befriended when arriving here in Pittsburgh alone has decided that because of a life decision – my own life decision which doesn’t concern her – she can no longer talk to me, and that we can no longer be friends. This is someone that I once thought, if only because we’ve been seriously together almost everyday of the school year, would be a friend for life. I had already been able to picture her in my future milestones: Ph.D graduation ceremony, wedding ceremony, first baby… etc. Sure, we’ve really only known each other for about a year and a few months, but when we actually live together, a year really feels like two or three. I’ve always believed that you can’t trust the depth of a relationship by time. Some people click together immediately, and while the relationship has only been, say, three months, it may already feel as if you’ve known each other for a lifetime. I can’t say that this was precisely how I felt towards her, but it was pretty close. Sure, we have our differences, and sure, at times they clash, but I had been so sure that we could be relatively open with whatever was on our minds, and even if we had differences, our care for each other would motivate and keep open a channel of communication.

Apparently, I was the only one who felt this way.

A couple days ago, after having been given the cold shoulder for a good 6-7 weeks, I finally found out that the point of departure had to do with money. What is even more ludicrous, is that this unrest over money, at least in my point of view, really had to do with miscommunication: there were parts she didn’t understand, and instead of asking me for clarification, simply assumed the worst case scenario. When I got fed up and confronted her, she said,

How can I trust you? How can I trust that you will continue to pay? I know you want to pay, but you said that financially it will be difficult. So how can I know for sure that you won’t just leave and leave everything behind? How can I trust you?

That hit me like a thousand knives aimed directly at my heart. I could hardly believe my ears. I replied, as calmly as I could,

I can’t make you trust me. Trust is something that has to come directly from inside of you, from you own accord. I can’t force you to feel something you don’t. How long have you known me? How often has something like this happened? This is the first time [and frankly, I don't even think it counts, because I have continued to pay]. I really do expect so much more from you. What you just said about not trusting me, is really, really disappointing.

And yet, she continued to insist, implicitly, that I give her some sort of “thing” (tacit, I suppose that’s what she meant) that would guarantee I pay up my dues. Which made it even more disappointing for me. As if that was not enough knives to be stabbed with, she continued,

I don’t want to tell you this, but you ruined my life. You can just pick up everything and leave [without fulfilling your responsibilities]. I don’t want to talk to you, because you are going to leave anyways. So there’s no point.

I ruined her life?!

Wtf. Honestly, from what I’ve been hearing, and from her attitude, I can hardly believe that I, the Jennifer whom she cannot trust, would have such an impact on her life. Even if what she was talking about was money, have I not already explained – and emphasized many times too! – that I would continue to pay my rent even after I leave? Even if it means getting into an argument with Mr. Worm or begging my parents? Has she ever even thought about if it was someone else in my position, would that someone else continue to try to pay up dues even after having been treated like an outcast in her own home? If I continue to pay my rent even after moving out, it is really no longer out of obligation, but rather out of courtesy, out of the sheer fact that I treat her like a friend. If it was anybody else, who the hell cares if I’ve ruined your life? I leave, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

And what does she mean, “I don’t want to talk to you, because you are going to leave anyways”? So she is not planning to continue this friendship? All because of what? Because of a little misunderstanding on money?

If you don’t want to be friends with me anymore in the future, that’s your choice, and I respect that. But so long as I am here, you need to tell me these things. Because if i didn’t initiate this conversation, you probably wouldn’t even bring it up even after I leave. You can’t run away from problems and just ignore them. If you don’t try to solve them, they won’t go away, and the problems will always be there. If you have anything that you are unhappy about, you need to tell me. It’s only fair. You can stay mad at me, but at least tell me why you are mad. If you don’t tell me, I don’t know, and it will never go away.

It was so upsetting for me. It drew a few tears out of her, but honestly, for some reason, it did not move me at all.

I know money is a big issue for her. Which is why there are many times that I just paid for our expenses. I would treat her to coffee, pay for her meals every once in a while, and when she told me that she couldn’t pay rent on time, I would pay for the full amount first and have her pay me back later. I think I am a very generous person, and I think I have been really nice to her.

Apparently, all these little things that I have done for her, she has remained oblivious to. I don’t expect her to repay me, but at least a show of some appreciation is standard, and is really all that I ask for. Ostensibly, I have already asked for too much. If she can’t trust me, I’m sorry, I can’t be the same way to her as I have always been.

I know that you can’t expect every so-called “friend” you meet to become best friends forever. But at the very minimal, during the times we share together, at least show some respect, appreciation, and understanding. Is this too naive of me?

It is indeed true that in times of hardship your true friends will show. Real friends will stick by especially when things are going rough.

I am just sorry to know that she isn’t one of them.

Coffee @ Crazy Mocha

After DWiP’s (Duquesne Women in Philosophy) monthly meeting, Taine and I finally went out on our belated coffee date at Crazy Mocha’s. She was the one who helped me the most with arrangements and other Pittsburgh/Duquesne questions before I physically imported myself to the east coast. Honestly, I’m not sure how I would have survived without her helpfulness! Unfortunately, by the time I arrived in the Steel City, she had already left for Berlin as a visiting scholar for one year. Now that she’s finally back, I’ve finally had the wonderful opportunity of meeting her! Before, I’ve only seen her in pictures on her Facebook profile. I must say, I didn’t know what to expect, and was unsure what kind of a person she would be like.

She’s very pretty and attractive in her own right, and definitely has the self-confidence but yet also humbleness of a sucessful (I would venture to characterize) woman philosopher. She’s very down-to-earth, but at the same time has an almost untimely elegant style. So: I really like her.

At Crazy Mocha, treated her that cup of coffee that I had promised for an entire year, and we sat and talked about our work, our interests, our approaches and thoughts on feminist theory, her stay in Berlin, the national (re)construction of a collective German identity, problems with politics… and of course, what some philosophers have to say about the world we live in, e.g. Arendt, Luxemburg, Habermas. I really enjoyed it! And I know such intellectual conversations will be greatly missed after I return back to Seattle. That is not to say that the things I talk about with my friends are meaningless, but it is quite different talking to a fellow scholar on pressing issues in a shared field.

It is really too bad that I have to leave now that we’ve finally met, but hopefully in the future, we will be able to meet again! And of course, there’s always email!

On a completely different note: I just bought a keyboard protector for my Macbook, and I’m still trying to get use to the touch and texture, so I’m still typing rather slowly. There are many keys that I can’t seem to hit at the right time. It’s quite a big difference…. and actually rather annoying. Instead of the slick surface that I’m used to, my fingers are hitting a rubbery, almost sticky kind of texture. But it protects my keyboard, and I have really no choice because some of the letters on the keypad are rubbing off. So, I’m trying to use it as much as possible in order to get used to it. .

Today we have really nice autumn weather in Pittsburgh. About 71 F, there is still a cool breeze that passes through. This is one season that I really enjoy about the east coast. Summer, not so much. The winters are really way too cold to my body’s liking.

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Back in the Steel City

It’s my second day back in Pittsburgh, and though I miss my parents dearly, I’ve already readjusted to what I call east-coast-life as opposed to west-coast-life (as some of us know, there is quite a difference between the two). The weather has been your typical Pittsburgh summer: hot, and humid, with a few light showers now and then; definitely warmer than Seattle. Mother told me that it was already cooling down quite a bit.

I’ve unpacked about 95% of my luggage, cleaned my room, though now I’ve got a problem with placement of things. Nancy had moved in for me while I was back in Seattle a bed frame, and Joey’s old table used for studying. It’s a pretty big table, one of those long office tables, which is perfect for me since I need a lot of space for all my papers and books and Macbook when I’m studying. Naoko had helped me buy some hair accessories from Japan, and I think she made such a nice selection. She really knows my taste! And these clips are very nice, and much cheaper than the prices here in the States with better quality and design. Ching Chia bought me some small Anna Sui hand towels and a Shu Uemura brow pencil refill. I feel bad for not bringing them anything…. For some reason, either because I was lazy or for whatever mysterious reason which escapes me, I failed to buy anything for my roommates…. Sorry my dear roommates! Maybe I should ask my mom or sister to send me something from Seattle…. I’m not too worried about Naoko and Ching Chia, because they will be here next semester, but Nancy will graduate this winter and go back to Taiwan… so I don’t know what I’m going to do.

This semester I’m taking four courses for credit and auditing one. In order: Latin (which I am very nervous about because of its difficulty level and the fact that learning a whole new language takes up a lot of time and energy); Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit; Deleuze’s A Thousand Plateaus; and Plato’s dialogues, Cratylus and Gorgias. Because of the ostensibly immense amount of work, I might not be able to continue my ballroom lessons. On top of the work, CMU (where they offer these classes) is not very convenient to commute by bus to and from home.  So we shall wait and see how my courses go!

Yesterday, Jing and Sha came over to spend the night, and it was also the first time seeing them since coming back here. Jing’s family is from Szechuan, so you can imagine how worried we were when the earthquake hit China. Sha is also from Szechuan, but her family has been residing in Beijing, so she was not immediately effected, though she said she could feel the quake even in Beijing! Some of her relatives were in Chengdu, but they are safe. A relief!! So last night all five of us – Naoko, Ching Chia, Sha, Jing, and I – made dinner together, and sat down for our first “community” meal. Naoko made miso soup and omelette, Ching Chia cooked the rice  and stir-fried some green beans, Jing made a spicy Szechuan sliced potato, and I stir-fried mushrooms in butter, garlic, and soy sauce (Sha helped Jing and did the dishes). By the time we finished making the food and sat down, we were all so exhausted and hungry that we consumed the food mostly in silence. Poor Jing was still in jet-lag, and almost feel asleep a few times throughout dinner. The room was pretty hot, so it didn’t help at all.

Another strange thing: I’ve realized that my skin is so much clearer and smoother here in Pittsburgh. When I went back to Seattle, my face had broken out into many pimples and acne. I’m not sure what the difference is; might be the weather? It is drier in Seattle and more humid in Pittsburgh. Or it might be diet? Here I eat my full, completely clean vegetarian meal since I cook myself. Back home, mom and dad usually cook veggies on the side of meat. Don’t know. Whatever the reason, my skin is definitely nicer here.