“The Economy of Friendship” – how I experience it.

What it all comes down to is really money.

No words can describe the disappointment and sadness that overcame me when I found out that the friend whom I first befriended when arriving here in Pittsburgh alone has decided that because of a life decision – my own life decision which doesn’t concern her – she can no longer talk to me, and that we can no longer be friends. This is someone that I once thought, if only because we’ve been seriously together almost everyday of the school year, would be a friend for life. I had already been able to picture her in my future milestones: Ph.D graduation ceremony, wedding ceremony, first baby… etc. Sure, we’ve really only known each other for about a year and a few months, but when we actually live together, a year really feels like two or three. I’ve always believed that you can’t trust the depth of a relationship by time. Some people click together immediately, and while the relationship has only been, say, three months, it may already feel as if you’ve known each other for a lifetime. I can’t say that this was precisely how I felt towards her, but it was pretty close. Sure, we have our differences, and sure, at times they clash, but I had been so sure that we could be relatively open with whatever was on our minds, and even if we had differences, our care for each other would motivate and keep open a channel of communication.

Apparently, I was the only one who felt this way.

A couple days ago, after having been given the cold shoulder for a good 6-7 weeks, I finally found out that the point of departure had to do with money. What is even more ludicrous, is that this unrest over money, at least in my point of view, really had to do with miscommunication: there were parts she didn’t understand, and instead of asking me for clarification, simply assumed the worst case scenario. When I got fed up and confronted her, she said,

How can I trust you? How can I trust that you will continue to pay? I know you want to pay, but you said that financially it will be difficult. So how can I know for sure that you won’t just leave and leave everything behind? How can I trust you?

That hit me like a thousand knives aimed directly at my heart. I could hardly believe my ears. I replied, as calmly as I could,

I can’t make you trust me. Trust is something that has to come directly from inside of you, from you own accord. I can’t force you to feel something you don’t. How long have you known me? How often has something like this happened? This is the first time [and frankly, I don't even think it counts, because I have continued to pay]. I really do expect so much more from you. What you just said about not trusting me, is really, really disappointing.

And yet, she continued to insist, implicitly, that I give her some sort of “thing” (tacit, I suppose that’s what she meant) that would guarantee I pay up my dues. Which made it even more disappointing for me. As if that was not enough knives to be stabbed with, she continued,

I don’t want to tell you this, but you ruined my life. You can just pick up everything and leave [without fulfilling your responsibilities]. I don’t want to talk to you, because you are going to leave anyways. So there’s no point.

I ruined her life?!

Wtf. Honestly, from what I’ve been hearing, and from her attitude, I can hardly believe that I, the Jennifer whom she cannot trust, would have such an impact on her life. Even if what she was talking about was money, have I not already explained – and emphasized many times too! – that I would continue to pay my rent even after I leave? Even if it means getting into an argument with Mr. Worm or begging my parents? Has she ever even thought about if it was someone else in my position, would that someone else continue to try to pay up dues even after having been treated like an outcast in her own home? If I continue to pay my rent even after moving out, it is really no longer out of obligation, but rather out of courtesy, out of the sheer fact that I treat her like a friend. If it was anybody else, who the hell cares if I’ve ruined your life? I leave, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

And what does she mean, “I don’t want to talk to you, because you are going to leave anyways”? So she is not planning to continue this friendship? All because of what? Because of a little misunderstanding on money?

If you don’t want to be friends with me anymore in the future, that’s your choice, and I respect that. But so long as I am here, you need to tell me these things. Because if i didn’t initiate this conversation, you probably wouldn’t even bring it up even after I leave. You can’t run away from problems and just ignore them. If you don’t try to solve them, they won’t go away, and the problems will always be there. If you have anything that you are unhappy about, you need to tell me. It’s only fair. You can stay mad at me, but at least tell me why you are mad. If you don’t tell me, I don’t know, and it will never go away.

It was so upsetting for me. It drew a few tears out of her, but honestly, for some reason, it did not move me at all.

I know money is a big issue for her. Which is why there are many times that I just paid for our expenses. I would treat her to coffee, pay for her meals every once in a while, and when she told me that she couldn’t pay rent on time, I would pay for the full amount first and have her pay me back later. I think I am a very generous person, and I think I have been really nice to her.

Apparently, all these little things that I have done for her, she has remained oblivious to. I don’t expect her to repay me, but at least a show of some appreciation is standard, and is really all that I ask for. Ostensibly, I have already asked for too much. If she can’t trust me, I’m sorry, I can’t be the same way to her as I have always been.

I know that you can’t expect every so-called “friend” you meet to become best friends forever. But at the very minimal, during the times we share together, at least show some respect, appreciation, and understanding. Is this too naive of me?

It is indeed true that in times of hardship your true friends will show. Real friends will stick by especially when things are going rough.

I am just sorry to know that she isn’t one of them.

Who left that in the fridge?!

So my roommate had called me a couple of days ago upon returning back to Pittsburgh from Japan and informed me that apparently the last person to leave for vacation had failed to empty the fridge of easily spoiled foods, e.g. vegetables, milk, etc. Moreover, she had also forgotten to throw the leftover rice in the rice cooker and coffee grinds in the coffee maker. So all of the above had been left to rot away for a full three months while we were all away for summer break. 

I was the second to the last person to leave, only shy of one day. I had remembered asking her to make sure that the veggies in the fridge would either be given away or thrown away. I did not specify that she also check appliances like the rice-cooker or the coffee-maker, but this should be common sense. Apparently, she had none. *And* she was also the first to return back to our apartment, back in the first week of August. When she called me, I simply assumed that she would have the sense to clean and dust up a bit, so I did not even bother to pursue the matter. I was not her mother, and this wasn’t something that one would need reminders for; especially when I consider the fact that she will be turning 30 years of age by this December.

I could not believe my ears. 

Ostensibly, it is quite true that one cannot judge one’s maturity level, quality of life skills, common sense, and wisdom from one’s age; neither can it be judged from one’s education level. Practical skills are indeed not dependent upon theoretical skills, though the two can wonderfully complement each other–and of course, this also depends on which person it is embodied within. 

And poor Naoko! You have no idea how angry she is; and understandably so. 

I feel so sorry for her! I can already envision her reaction when she first opened the rice cooker, and then turned around to check the coffee-maker, then the fridge. She said she had wanted to do something, but the thought was so repulsive that she simply could not bring herself to reopen the rice cooker or the coffee machine. As far as the fridge is concerned, she could not even identify what some of the items used to be. “I think they were once vegetables…” On my part, I should have just done it myself before I left. I was just thinking that Ching-Chia (our other roommate) would use those appliances. She herself told me that she would give the raw vegetables to her sister, so they won’t go to waste. 

I asked Naoko to try as best as her stomach allows her to clean the appliances. The rice cooker could be thrown away, but the coffee machine was a rather expensive one, and included an espresso maker on one side. I paid for most of it, and I really don’t want to toss it. I advised Naoko to just close her eyes and throw the filter away and soak the plastic filter in hot boiling water; if she waited until I went back, it would only get worse. I am not sure if she accomplished, but I will find out soon enough.

I must admit that I am just as upset about the whole situation. Either one of us has to get down to it and scrub away those little micro-critters that had been growing, or we buy new appliances. Honestly, I’m not sure which is the best route to take….